After a year, I’m finally doing okay. I can take deep breaths without feeling like breaking down. I’m okay on my own. Though there are times where random memories invade my brain, and I remember why I fell in love with her. It’s a bittersweet moment, but it’s nice to know I can still relieve those days in my brain when I need to.
I’m moving back to Oregon in three weeks. I think this is a good decision for me. I’m not sure what the future lays. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. I don’t know if we’ll hang out. I don’t know if I’m going to fail at school. I don’t know, I don’t care. For once, I’m walking in without a plan. For once, I’m not optimistic that everything will go my way. I’m okay with it.
-Tyler
I’m still looking for something to fill the void. There’s nothing that’s been satisfactory.
-Tyler.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be fantastic at anything. I think its my extreme lack of self-confidence and my fear of big social settings. I’m scared that anything I do, there’s a thousand other people that do it bigger and better than I. It’s a mental hump that I don’t know how to get past. I mean, I don’t want to be famous in any way, but I’d like to be a respected figure in what I do. It’s tough being friends with such talented people, they’re amazing at what I do. It makes me feel small, but I know that if I pay attention, I can find that I have a lot to learn from them. I just hope someday I can find how to gain confidence outside of a liquid form.
-Tyler.
I don’t get why girls feel the need to dress slutty on Halloween. It’s not attractive nor is it cool in the slightest. I know girls have the right to dress however they please and they sure as hell are going to do it. I wish there were more respect for girls so they don’t feel like they need to dress scandalous to gain attention from men. It’s more cool to me if a girl dresses up as something cool, like a power ranger or Deb from Napoleon Dynamite. Not everything has to have sexy next to it to be sexy. Happy Halloween.
-Tyler.
You started to talk to me again slightly. I don’t know if its because you’re lonely, or if you truly miss me. Either way, its nice to communicate with you in some way since there’s been a lack of for almost a month. It gets harder and harder every day I don’t speak with you. Life gets duller and duller. I realize that you’re the spice that I need to add to my life in order to be truly happy. I’m realizing this more every day.
-Tyler.
It’s kind of strange living in a city that you don’t necessarily want to be in. I sure as hell thought that I would never be living in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Let alone anywhere other than the west coast. There’s a lot I could regret about moving here. All the ties I cut, and all the money I spent. There are days where I could, and maybe even should be upset with myself for leaving. There are those days where all I want is to be back in Portland. But, I try to stay positive because without the move, I probably wouldn’t be half the adult that I am today. There’s a lot to be grateful with for the sacrifice I made. I think I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I can kind of understand who I am a little bit better.
-Tyler.
Today I woke up feeling melancholy. I instantly thought of you, and a years worth of memories rushed through my head. It’s strange to think that it’s almost been a year since it ended. Months later and I still can’t grasp the concept of loving someone who doesn’t love you back. When you’re young, it seems so simple. You fall in love with a person and they fall in love back. If only life were that easy. It goes on though, and it always will. I don’t what will become, or what will end. From the looks of it, I’ll probably still feel the same way I do now after another nine months have passed. It’s okay though, its how I’ve grown to be. You learn to live with the constant ache and the pain turns from a black, to an overcasting grey. These are my thoughts as of today.
-Tyler.
